Obsessed Film Review
Scarface. Has anyone mentioned this abortion yet? Oh, all
the gangsta wankstas love it because Tony Montana's all blinged up,
coked up, messed up and gunned up. Trust me, it's as vacuous, boring
and flaccid as gak sex.
Scarface let me count the ways I hate thee:
1. No film in history has dated as badly as Scarface. It
seems as if all the costumes, music, words, phrases, signs,
architecture in the film were in fashion for a the length of the
shoot and were then placed in a time capsule, never to be seen again
ever. If you watch it now, it looks like it was made on another
planet in the future.
2. The worst soundtrack, bar none, in cinema history.
3. It also features the worst montage ever. In a three hour plus
film, the only interesting sequence of Montana's life - his rise to
power - is reduced to a five-minute montage set to the soft-rock pumpery
of "Take it to Limit" because, audience, if you didn't realise -
he's taking it to the limit.
4. Pacino's accent. There is not a single Cuban on planet earth
who speaks like that. Not even his CUBAN best friend.
5. Pacino's acting. SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT. Wave my arms.
Grimace. slump. SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT.
6. Oliver Stone's dialogue:
Say allo to my Leel Fend.
You ged da mony, you ged da powa, den you ged da wimmen
U no wad capialism is. Getting fucked!
The list of clunkers is unbelievable. What makes it worse is that
each and every line is quoted by goofy pretend tough guys like it's
the genuine word of Buddha.
7. The length
It makes Lord of the Rings feel like a Bill Plimpton short. It just
goes on and on and on and on. I think I'm actually still watching it
and I started in 1983.
8. Brian De Palma - a man who has managed to make exactly half a
good film (Carrie). Long dull track shots, crane shots, and copying
scenes from infinitely better films don't make up for the fact that
you have no idea how to tell a story.
9. All the Cuban parts are played by Italian-Americans. Who
basically don't look like Italian Americans.
10. Launched the screenprinting industry, killed hip-hop, turned
Pacino from a credible actor into a self-parody, ignited the career
of Oliver 'Blood out of a' Stone, continues to be quoted by every
lunkhead wouldbe gangbanger in a tricked out Ford Escort who
believes that Montana is some kind of folk hero.
It's the most objectionable piece of misogynistic, self-satisfied,
poorly-made, badly-directed, self-important, misjudged crap I've
ever had the misfortune to watch ...about 400 times.
This is the problem, I'm utterly addicted to it - the only film
in my extensive collection that I have on video, laserdisc and dvd.
It's just mesmerisingly terrible. Help me.
(Originally appeared in the
Culture Vulture Blog on Guardian.co.uk)