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A magazine of poetry and related arts straight from L.A.

 

Obsession


 

 

Nick Cheek (as @lancehenrikson)

 

 

Obsessed Film Review

 

Scarface. Has anyone mentioned this abortion yet? Oh, all the gangsta wankstas love it because Tony Montana's all blinged up, coked up, messed up and gunned up. Trust me, it's as vacuous, boring and flaccid as gak sex.

Scarface let me count the ways I hate thee:

1. No film in history has dated as badly as Scarface. It seems as if all the costumes, music, words, phrases, signs, architecture in the film were in fashion for a the length of the shoot and were then placed in a time capsule, never to be seen again ever. If you watch it now, it looks like it was made on another planet in the future.

2. The worst soundtrack, bar none, in cinema history.

3. It also features the worst montage ever. In a three hour plus film, the only interesting sequence of Montana's life - his rise to power - is reduced to a five-minute montage set to the soft-rock pumpery of "Take it to Limit" because, audience, if you didn't realise - he's taking it to the limit.

4. Pacino's accent. There is not a single Cuban on planet earth who speaks like that. Not even his CUBAN best friend.

5. Pacino's acting. SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT. Wave my arms. Grimace. slump. SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT.

6. Oliver Stone's dialogue:
Say allo to my Leel Fend.
You ged da mony, you ged da powa, den you ged da wimmen
U no wad capialism is. Getting fucked!

The list of clunkers is unbelievable. What makes it worse is that each and every line is quoted by goofy pretend tough guys like it's the genuine word of Buddha.

7. The length
It makes Lord of the Rings feel like a Bill Plimpton short. It just goes on and on and on and on. I think I'm actually still watching it and I started in 1983.

8. Brian De Palma - a man who has managed to make exactly half a good film (Carrie). Long dull track shots, crane shots, and copying scenes from infinitely better films don't make up for the fact that you have no idea how to tell a story.

9. All the Cuban parts are played by Italian-Americans. Who basically don't look like Italian Americans.

10. Launched the screenprinting industry, killed hip-hop, turned Pacino from a credible actor into a self-parody, ignited the career of Oliver 'Blood out of a' Stone, continues to be quoted by every lunkhead wouldbe gangbanger in a tricked out Ford Escort who believes that Montana is some kind of folk hero.

It's the most objectionable piece of misogynistic, self-satisfied, poorly-made, badly-directed, self-important, misjudged crap I've ever had the misfortune to watch ...about 400 times.

This is the problem, I'm utterly addicted to it - the only film in my extensive collection that I have on video, laserdisc and dvd. It's just mesmerisingly terrible. Help me.

(Originally appeared in the Culture Vulture Blog on Guardian.co.uk)

Nick Cheek co-hosts the review blog The No Show.

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Speechless Spring 2011
Copyright 2011 Published by
Tebot Bach